Today was a bit of a tough day. (And this right here, it's going to be a rant. Take that as fair warning. If you're not feeling it, you can skip the other paragraph, it's more uplifting.) I felt like I just kept missing. Sam's first nap was an hour later than I was expecting (based on how long he had been up and his behavior). After lunch, I knew I needed to leave the house, so Sam and I headed to Target, but we left before I got everything on my list because Sam was crabby, although he normally likes errands. I saw an old roommate and was weird with her. Sam doesn't fall asleep for his second nap until 2 hours later. I spent a lot of time listening to him cry over the monitor, cramming chocolate truffles, pretzels, and other things I found lying around the kitchen (somehow missed the apples) into my mouth. After several trips of lying him back down, trying to read or rock to him, and continuing to try to keep those little hips from turning so he could get on his knees, he finally fell asleep. And I'm left feeling a little empty. I've been blessed to be able stay at home, and I love it, but sometimes it's hard realizing most days are going to look similar. The things I check off (taking care of the dogs, feeding Sam, laundry, keeping parts of the house clean, picking up toys, errands, etc.) are things that will be repeated the next day and the next day. There's not a lot of evidence that I'm doing things, much less whether I'm doing anything well. Sometimes I really struggle to not find my identity here, in being a stay at home mom. Sometimes it's really busy and sometimes it's a little boring and sometimes timing is just off. I meant to do some work on the laptop, but I missed my window and Sam is fixated on pressing the buttons or slamming it open and shut. I was going to blow dry my hair, but Sam's up and he's currently afraid of loud noises, and you just can't hold a baby while you blow dry your hair (if you can, I'm impressed). On a more serious level, I've let my head be busy and noisy. I keep music on, and think about the now and the future a lot. Basically, I've really started sucking at praying and it makes me really sad. There's sometimes where I realize, just pray about it, and I almost don't know how. I don't really know how to explain it. So that's where I'm at. Pity party over, I have an amazing, hard-working, supportive husband who listens to me better than I could have hoped for. I have a beautiful little boy who makes me smile every day. There are these two fluffy dogs who follow us around and trust us. And I want to work hard for my little family. I want to point them to Christ, to be the heart of the family, and bring the peace that can only be from God. I want to be a part of my extended family, our community, and an authentic friend. I desire to get past my funk, this day, and to move upward and onward.
And God's mercies are new every morning. He can transform us by the renewal of our minds. We don't need a new year or a new week to get started. We don't need to detox, we just give it all to him. Thank the Lord that He will forgive us, that He is waiting and that He is so good.