Sunday, October 3, 2010


Something in the Vanilla Sky of the morning urged these thoughts to my conscious thoughts. We have clinical depression in our family history, but I think anyone can feel different stages of depression. Or not. I think we all have different symptoms that make us aware of what we're experiencing. While I always viewed myself as a joyful person, I think I allowed myself to summit to a minor level of depression  for much of my high school and college years. I would feel a numbness creep in, and invite it. Time would pass too quickly. I would become quieter, because  my mind was so busy with swirling thoughts, that I didn't realize nothing was being said. I would sleep more, lose my appetite. Essentially, I missed out on life during those phases. I viewed myself as moody, as I would osculate between a happy, or even hyper mood to this mood where I would have to exaggerate my feelings to fit in. I think the numbness initially started as a coping mechanism for pain, and I would allow it take over with any additional pain, regardless of whether it resembled the original pain source. It was such a part of me, I never recognized it coming until I was already in it. Two years ago, I was hit with a harder episode than normal. I found no pleasure in books or Christmas or anything much. I bought impulsively, lost 15 pounds, and listened to one song over and over it try to drown out my thoughts. I remember crying, and having no idea why I was crying this time. I would feel disappointed in my friends and family when they believe the half-truth/half-lies I would spit out. Later, I realized how ridiculous that delusion was, as they had no reason not to believe me. I seriously considered this dark, dim version of me as "the real me that no one knew". I think sometimes, I enjoyed the secret. 
Well, nowadays I'm thankful that I was directed to the right avenues. I have friends that probably don't realize what a blessing and life saver they were at that time. Seriously, I hardly talked, and I was pretty random when I did. They are amazing and patient people. To be honest, I don't think I really got over that weird phase for over a year, although it did improve. I went to a counselor last year which was amazing and so different from what I expected. There was no pressure to share what I didn't want to. I had pain from situations that no longer existed, and that I harbored and turned inward. My expectations were so skewed. With counseling, I didn't have to spill my life story, but learned to deal with what was relevant. The most valuable thing that I learned was how to recognize what I was thinking. The mind is the battlefield. It was a long process, but one that I'm grateful for. Those phases, that shadow me, are so foreign to me. Sometimes it's still effort to not numb up, but to be bold, to communicate, but I know where to get the strength from. I can say I'm "clean" from allowing depressive thoughts to take over, that I'm free from harbored pain, for about 11 months now. I'm not sure I would have imagined being able to happy and to being consistent like this back in college. I'm thankful for the people and habits and blessings that are in my life that support me, that point me in the direction I get all my strength from, that I kneel (yes I credit my relationship with Jesus for all the change). I love that we can change, and encourages me to give out forgiveness more readily. I'm so glad that we exist.

*okay, I do get down sometimes, but at least I know methods to get on track. And still people (esp. one) that listens to all my thoughts. regardless of how ridiculous. 

Mood music: Self Conclusion by The Spill Canvas

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